Poor Smith and Gillan. They can't be doing this out of choice.
The only explanation is that the contract that transformed them into one of the best Doctors and shoutiest companions contained a tiny Satanic clause: "You must voice your role in every incompetent and poorly conceived game anyone produces". Unless they took the job willingly, making them traitors to their fans.
Playing Return To Earth is a profoundly miserable experience. The story's abysmal, an incoherent, contrived excuse to throw the big villains in.
The script is also bad - odd lines of excruciatingly awkward dialogue sandwiched between tech-babble whose only purpose is to explain the irrelevant, repetitive gameplay.
The story: Cybermen have commandeered a ship containing humanity. It's your job, as Amy and The Doctor, to use your sonic screwdrivers on coloured smiley faces floating around the ship.
Hang on, Amy has a sonic screwdriver now? Floating smileys? What? But that's all the game is: load your screwdriver with coloured crystals, and shoot similarly coloured floating faces.
Some levels end with a game where you roll a ball through a maze, or an asteroid blasting game. Some stages try to create a stealth element, but stealth only works if your enemy has an inkling of intelligence. These Cybermen love nothing more than staring at a wall.
Delete me now
Most insulting is the script. "You will be deleted," say the Cybermen to Ivy, the ship's AI. "But I don't want to be deleted," replies Ivy. That's about the level of characterisation and banter you can expect.
But most speaking is done by the crystal-dispensing pods needed to operate the inexplicable smiling face-switches. "Time for a cup of tea!" "Someone's stealing the stopcocks!" It doesn't make sense. It's like a committee of demented foreign pensioners tried to work out what English children think robots might say.
If you're a child, and you're reading this, you deserve better. I'm sorry people my age have slapped you in the face like this. But use the lesson well. Remember the hatred games like this rightfully deserve, and vow that you'll never produce such an execrable turd in your own adult life. Promise me that, and this won't have all been in vain.
Ouch, that was bad. Want to know if you should buy the Doctor Who DS game instead? Read our Doctor Who: Evacuation Earth review.