Of all thirteen 3DS launch games, The Sims 3 was the only one we weren't sent for review before it was released. It's almost as if someone didn't want us to play it and find out how abysmal it is.
It's almost an achievement that EA has made a 3DS version of a game that's not only worse than the Wii version, but the DS version too.
Controlling your Sim is an exercise in patience. You may be able to see the item you want to interact with on the top screen, but you'll need to find it on a horribly confusing map on the touchscreen and tap it to choose what you want to do.
Get your Sim to step outside into the wide world and you'll be presented with a grand total of two different locations to visit - a park and a shopping square. Even the iPhone version of the game had more locations than this. It's frankly pathetic.
On top of all this it features choppy animations and looks horrible. We don't like suggesting games are rushed out for launch but when a game's framerate is ropier than an assault course it's clear that very little time has been spent optimising the game.
The Sim Of All Fears
We haven't even told you the most annoying thing yet. For some reason, the 3DS version of The Sims 3 has removed the mood bars that tell you how hungry, clean, tired and so forth your Sim is. No big deal, you know, it's only the WHOLE POINT of the entire game.
Instead these are replaced with pithy little 'moodlets' that simply pop up just as things are about to go horribly badly. As a result you have no idea how hungry your Sim is until you get a message telling you they're absolutely starving and you don't know how clean they are until there's literally green stink clouds coming off them.
This would be manageable if two or more of these dilemmas didn't happen at the same time but you're regularly told out of the blue that your Sim is starving, bursting and exhausted at the same time.
Since this is all a game about time management this just ruins the experience and many a time we've had our ravenous Sim frantically cooking dinner only for them to wet themselves then fall asleep on the floor next to a puddle of their own urine through no fault of our own.
The Sims 3 is a disgrace. The gameplay mechanics have been savaged, the graphics are choppy and the user interface makes the simplest of tasks frustrating.