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2011 review: Skyward Sword: the best Zelda ever

It took Steve a while to come up with his top five.

Oh hello. It's me, Steve. Please excuse me if this blog post appears rushed or nonsensical, it's just that I'm losing a lot of blood and my vision keeps fadindfgb.dg Whoops, hah! Passed out for half an hour there. No worries. Is it cold in here, or is it just me dying?

You see, I'd almost escaped the office for my Christmas break when Tom East intercepted me, dropping from the ceiling like a sexy Catwoman. "Steve," he scowled, "you haven't given me your top five Nintendo moments of 2011 yet." His eyes darted to the elevator. It had just pinged, announcing its arrival. "You weren't thinking of... leaving, were you?"

"N-no Tom, honestly," I stammered, trying to subtly strafe around him. He side-stepped, emotionlessly blocking my path like an AI Pong bat. I laughed nervously. "I didn't forget, I just..." I had to think of something quickly if I was going to make it out of this situation alive.

Tom didn't look like the kind of man who could tear off both your arms and beat you to death with them, but he was strong, and fast, and as sharp as a butcher's favourite cleaver.

The metallic rumble of the elevator doors shutting signalled the closure of that option. I'd have to give him something, anything to go on.

5. Link Sitting On The Toilet

"Link sitting on the toilet!" I yelped. That would buy me some time. Skyward Sword was full of lovely moments, but none drew as big a crowd as Link parking his cheeks on the throne. "Everybody come check this out," I'd shouted across the office at the time. "Link is on a toilet and it's brilliant".

"That's good," replied Tom. "The readers will like that. If there's one thing they love more than Skyward Sword, Steve, it's your subversive, edgy brand of off-kilter humour." He let his guard down for half a second, turning to one side as he conjured up that image of Link once again, still with his trousers up, happily swinging his legs on the commode.

Before he could stop me, I darted to one side and sprinted for the stairs. Tom bolted, pursuing me with the grace and determination of a ravenous cheetah as I bounded down the steps. Four floors, that was all between me and festive freedom. Four floors and an online editor.

4. Donkey Kong on Game Boy

"I really enjoyed Donkey Kong on Virtual Console," I shouted back at Tom, still galloping down flights of stairs. "It was the first 3DS Virtual Console game I really enjoyed, as I'd never played it first time around and its unexpectedly complex platformer mechanics really surprised me. Super Mario Land was alright, but it shows its age in a way that the timeless Donkey Kong doesn't. It's got triple jumps and backflips in it - it was way ahead of its time and worth downloading if you don't already have it."

Tom, an accomplished gymnast, vaulted the staircase bannister and collided with me forcefully, pinning me against the wall. The clunk of a dislocated shoulder sent a shockwave of pain through my upper body.

"Good choice," seethed Tom. He wasn't even out of breath. "I don't think anybody else would have chosen that game, and I enjoy variety in these list features." His body weight shifted almost imperceptibly to one side. Sensing an opportunity to escape his vice-like grasp, I placed one leg behind his knee and the other against the stairwell's wall, pushing with all the energy I could muster, throwing him off balance and down the next flight of stairs. I turned to face the large window overlooking Marylebone train station's rooftop. It was already dark, and Tom was already back on his feet and sprinting back up the steps towards me. We were three storeys up. That rooftop was about thirty feet away, I guessed. Thirty feet. I could make that.

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Comments

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  1. PokeMarti Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 09:05

    Steve please come to Birmingham again! :D With only 450 places in masters division you stand a much better chance ;)

  2. noobgamer9 Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 12:13

    that article was comedy gold :D

  3. nukuleardawg Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 13:31

    sounds like a typical day at onm towers then :D

  4. colourblindyoshi Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 14:49

    great, but sounded like a sequence out of the matrix, mixed with uncharted. incomprehendable. but the best of any of these reviews, as it has good reasoning behind the humour. i thank you for your good views and mildly comical writing. if it wasn't funny however, it would be sacrelidge

    merry chrimbo

  5. Dan-the-Wii-man Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 15:14

    So weird :P

  6. faceless_o8 Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 15:26

    absolutely love the quote from Taken gahaha!! "good luck..." :D amazing article!!

  7. noodle link Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 16:03

    It thoroughly annoys me when people say ONM are biased. Take a look at Steve Hogarty and you'll see a 100% clean reviewer with no biased opinions up his sleeves, and he's an absolutely brilliant, particularly hilarious writer to boot. Good work on this feature, man!

    Chris is biased when reviewing Mario games, and Tom is generally biased and very much unaware of non-Nintendo games, mind. Neil is generally a little biased, too. But STEVE! Oh, Steve~

  8. CraigEmberson Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 16:52

    It thoroughly annoys me when people say ONM are biased. Take a look at Steve Hogarty and you'll see a 100% clean reviewer with no biased opinions up his sleeves, and he's an absolutely brilliant, particularly hilarious writer to boot. Good work on this feature, man!

    Chris is biased when reviewing Mario games, and Tom is generally biased and very much unaware of non-Nintendo games, mind. Neil is generally a little biased, too. But STEVE! Oh, Steve~


    Same, most articles point out the negatives but in a way, it's good to have people who are mixed... People who only play Nintendo and those who play all kinds of game consoles and games. A review is ALWAYS subjective, whether it's biased or not, so there is no wrong review (Unless someone who does the review gets the facts wrong). That reminds me, I saw a video from Kotaku on the e-shop demos and they pointed out a small negative and said "so fans of the DS..." but it's a 3DS and it still bugs me how people still think it's another DS - gets my boxers in a twist LOL

  9. TheRandomC Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 18:15

    Link on the loo was very funny! :D Overall the best top 5 EVER! That was funny...

  10. MrGooseyMoose Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 18:56

    Fantastic! I loved the whole thing, and I especially enjoyed the huge chunk taken from the film Taken hahaha. Awesome.

  11. AR master Wednesday 28th Dec 2011 at 19:05

    hardcore :!:

  12. ZodiacXYZ Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 01:03

    A man worth his salt as a writer, gamer and (clearly) action film aficionado *applauds*

  13. Kirby8 Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 02:16

    HAHA! What a great article!!

  14. Kirby8 Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 02:18

    Steve please come to Birmingham again! :D With only 450 places in masters division you stand a much better chance ;)

    Plus, having the choice of the whole National Pokédex is much better. Means a greater variety to pick from and should probably make for more variety in battles.

  15. concernedcamel Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 16:05

    Lol I enjoyed this article! :)

  16. GoddessSword Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 17:22

    HA, make a film?

  17. CyberGW Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 21:09

    Oh, unlucky Tom. You'll get him next time! :D

  18. ninjafox Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 21:26

    That was a really enjoyable blog Steve. With the ONM team and the bloggers doing their top 5 moments of 2011 it was nice to see that you had done yours in a different style to the others that are already on the site. It was a really exciting read as well to see if you were going to escape from ONM towers to enjoy the christmas break and find out your top 5 moments at the same time. Perhaps when Tom leaves ONM he could get a job as a bouncer, sounds like he would be good at it! :lol:
    Anyway keep up the good work Steve an i look forward to reading your next blog! :D

  19. DonegalAlan Thursday 29th Dec 2011 at 23:35

    Perhaps Tom was a ninja in a previous life? Or maybe even in this one, by the sounds of it! :shock:
    Nice work on the Top 5, Steve - not just some bland countdown - a proper piece of comedy! And I like you channelling Liam Neeson from "Taken"!

    And of course, I wholeheartedly agree with Skyward Sword as #1. So well-made, it's no wonder it took years to perfect. I'm 31 hours into it, and I'd say I'm nowhere near finishing it! :D

  20. The_BAAD_Man Saturday 31st Dec 2011 at 09:48

    That was an enjoyable read, Steve :)
    I hadn't read about Link on the toilet, but it's one of the first things I tried when I started Skyward Sword :lol:

  21. MartinIsAwesome Monday 2nd Jan 2012 at 15:53

    I really want to turn this article into a graphic novel.

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