Oh hello. It's me, Steve. Please excuse me if this blog post appears rushed or nonsensical, it's just that I'm losing a lot of blood and my vision keeps fadindfgb.dg Whoops, hah! Passed out for half an hour there. No worries. Is it cold in here, or is it just me dying?
You see, I'd almost escaped the office for my Christmas break when Tom East intercepted me, dropping from the ceiling like a sexy Catwoman. "Steve," he scowled, "you haven't given me your top five Nintendo moments of 2011 yet." His eyes darted to the elevator. It had just pinged, announcing its arrival. "You weren't thinking of... leaving, were you?"
"N-no Tom, honestly," I stammered, trying to subtly strafe around him. He side-stepped, emotionlessly blocking my path like an AI Pong bat. I laughed nervously. "I didn't forget, I just..." I had to think of something quickly if I was going to make it out of this situation alive.
Tom didn't look like the kind of man who could tear off both your arms and beat you to death with them, but he was strong, and fast, and as sharp as a butcher's favourite cleaver.
The metallic rumble of the elevator doors shutting signalled the closure of that option. I'd have to give him something, anything to go on.
5. Link Sitting On The Toilet
"Link sitting on the toilet!" I yelped. That would buy me some time. Skyward Sword was full of lovely moments, but none drew as big a crowd as Link parking his cheeks on the throne. "Everybody come check this out," I'd shouted across the office at the time. "Link is on a toilet and it's brilliant".
"That's good," replied Tom. "The readers will like that. If there's one thing they love more than Skyward Sword, Steve, it's your subversive, edgy brand of off-kilter humour." He let his guard down for half a second, turning to one side as he conjured up that image of Link once again, still with his trousers up, happily swinging his legs on the commode.
Before he could stop me, I darted to one side and sprinted for the stairs. Tom bolted, pursuing me with the grace and determination of a ravenous cheetah as I bounded down the steps. Four floors, that was all between me and festive freedom. Four floors and an online editor.
4. Donkey Kong on Game Boy
"I really enjoyed Donkey Kong on Virtual Console," I shouted back at Tom, still galloping down flights of stairs. "It was the first 3DS Virtual Console game I really enjoyed, as I'd never played it first time around and its unexpectedly complex platformer mechanics really surprised me. Super Mario Land was alright, but it shows its age in a way that the timeless Donkey Kong doesn't. It's got triple jumps and backflips in it - it was way ahead of its time and worth downloading if you don't already have it."
Tom, an accomplished gymnast, vaulted the staircase bannister and collided with me forcefully, pinning me against the wall. The clunk of a dislocated shoulder sent a shockwave of pain through my upper body.
"Good choice," seethed Tom. He wasn't even out of breath. "I don't think anybody else would have chosen that game, and I enjoy variety in these list features." His body weight shifted almost imperceptibly to one side. Sensing an opportunity to escape his vice-like grasp, I placed one leg behind his knee and the other against the stairwell's wall, pushing with all the energy I could muster, throwing him off balance and down the next flight of stairs. I turned to face the large window overlooking Marylebone train station's rooftop. It was already dark, and Tom was already back on his feet and sprinting back up the steps towards me. We were three storeys up. That rooftop was about thirty feet away, I guessed. Thirty feet. I could make that.