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Gaming's most doomed relationships

Bad romance...

Its Valentine's Day! Woooooo! Well, I say "woooooo", but some more cynical types see Valentine's Day as a load of rubbish. A day manufactured by card companies to make single people feel lonelier and make people in relationships feel they have to prove their love. Bah humbug, and so forth.

With that in mind, I thought I'd write up this list to reassure the lonely types on Valentine's Day that love isn't all it's cracked up to be. You need only look at the world of gaming for proof. Here are some gaming relationships that, for whatever reason, just don't work out.

Mario and Peach

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Let's start with the big one. Mario... listen mate, just let her go. She's leading you on, chief. For over 25 years the chubby funster's been chucking himself into bricks, eating questionable vegetables, crushing wildlife under his Doc Martens and essentially risking his life just to rescue this dozy lass who keeps getting kidnapped time and time again.

It's clear that he's doing it because he fancies her - who can blame him, she's a classy lady - but every time he saves the day all he gets is a "cheers bud" and he's sent on his way. Sometimes she'll bake him a cake or give him a peck on the cheek to keep him sweet, but let's face it - if she was going to commit she'd have done it a long time ago. Even Luigi and Daisy look more certain to hook up, and neither of them really do much most of the time.

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  1. bobbyy29 Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 13:22

    I swear "jelly beans" bust be innuendo.

  2. Layton link Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 13:33

    oh god claire! :(
    its too soon! oh claire....why :(
    such a sad ending.
    there romance was the most touching i have seen in video games for years.
    well link and zelda in skyward is pretty cute :3 zelda is not a princess in that game which means she has a personality.
    but still! nothing can rival there love! :cry:

  3. DeamonFahng Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 13:38

    Balloon Kid is only Ł2.70?! Score!

    All relationships should end with news like that. End on a high note, ya'know?

  4. CyberGW Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 13:47

    Where's Sonic and Amy? :shock:

  5. colourblindyoshi Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 14:02

    ha, so true...

    however, have to say there is a difference between 'doomed' and every particle inside her body disintergrating. okay, they're similar, but at least they loved each other. the only reason mario collects peach time after time is that you have to go through lots of pipes, and he's the only plumber in the country, apart from luigi, who's just being a bit of a wuss.
    zelda and link arent meant to be together - its just too cliche.

    also observe - rydia and edge in final fantasy 4. yes, its implied, but its just weird.

    and aeris and cloud in final fantasy 7, because sepiroth had to make it difficult, didnt he?

  6. yellowds Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 14:18

    What about Shulk and Fiora :o
    Xenoblade legit made me cry :cry:

  7. Waldy565 Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 17:19

    "Roses are red, violets are heavenly, Balloon Kid on eShop is only Ł2.70"? YES! :D hmm i agree, maybe wailuigi and dancing... :P

  8. mr.AR Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 18:06

    With Hershal And Claire, That scene actually nearly brought me to tears..Which is crazy really! :oops:

  9. MrChewtoy Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 21:26

    Not sure how Mario and Peach's (or indeed Link and Zelda's) relationship could be considered doomed, since they always get together in the end. Layton's is true, since he lost Claire in the end, but unless there's a game where Bowser kills Peach, their relationship isn't doomed.

  10. UnovaDweller Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 22:38

    This article was pretty amusing.

  11. blaziken411 Tuesday 14th Feb 2012 at 23:15

    how about lui kang and kitana from mortal kombat, nothing says doomed like your girlfriends parents trying to kill you and your whole planet right?

  12. MartinIsAwesome Wednesday 15th Feb 2012 at 11:53

    Memeber the multiple endings in Star Fox Command - half of them had Fox and Krystal splitting up forever. Heck, the game even begins with Krystal already jollying it around with Star Wolf: the bad guys!

    I second the suggestion of Sonic and Amy - very much a one sided releationship. Will she ever learn.
    I bet she has a creppy shrine in her house with a crude sculpture of the blue blur made from parts from him, like shed hair.

  13. RiksilveR Wednesday 15th Feb 2012 at 13:18

    Not the same sort of relationship, but you and your partner in the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games. It's pretty depressing going through all the dungeons, beating the crap out of Rayquaza/Dialga and then ending up having to leave the world or fade out of existence. Those endings made me cry (don't judge me, i was like 10 at the time).

  14. ZeldaKing Saturday 18th Feb 2012 at 11:32

    aeris and cloud in final fantasy 7, because sepiroth had to make it difficult, didnt he?


    what about Aerith and Zack in Crisis Core: FFVII? it's even more of a heart wrench

  15. Mollusc Man Saturday 18th Feb 2012 at 13:00

    Link and Princess Ruto from Ocarina.

    She gave him her sacred stone and everything, but it was never going to work really with her being a sage and him being such a loose cannon.

  16. issun1412 Saturday 18th Feb 2012 at 17:16

    How about link and ;Saria, Maalon, Ruto, Ilia and Tingle. All of them one sided. Link you jerk!

  17. Loopydoodle Sunday 19th Feb 2012 at 18:21

    Just in response to the Link/Zelda thing, maybe its a good thing future versions didn't get together. As the next Link and Zelda must be a descendant of the Skyward Sword Link and Zelda, therefore making any attempt at a relationship for future Link and Zelda's slightly illeagal and worthy of a spot on Jeremy Kyle.

  18. Laytonfan1 Sunday 19th Feb 2012 at 22:47

    Claire and Layton made me cry and made the lost future one of my fave games ever :'(

  19. Lilpuzzlette64 Sunday 4th Mar 2012 at 15:23
  20. LOZanges Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 09:40

    What about Zobio and Zobiko? Y'know, those ones from house of the dead: EX that were in Sonic and Sega All Stars Racing. Zombie love is doomed from the start...

  21. Grovyle Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 09:56

    *MILD RESIDENT EVIL SPOILERS AHEAD* Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine (you see, it's even in the name). These two have been through everything together from haunted mansions, to more haunted mansions, to giant abandoned cruise ships and even having Chris rip that weird mind controlling beetle off Jill's chest (we all know what it looked like, at least buy the lass a drink Chris). In revelations they looked everywhere for each other, almost as if following cliche and searching in vain for their long lost love at sea... Same in RESI 5 where Chris seems utterly heartbroken that he lost her and determined to at least avenge her apparent death. When they're not shooting and 'Burton Sandwiching' hoards of undead it seems like they could try and have a relationship but Jill just keeps dying, getting lost or being kidnapped...

  22. OrangeRakoon Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 10:20

    It's all about Link and Marin.

    Link is literally the cause of her ceasing to exist. He murders the girl he falls in love with. Unless you complete the game without dying, in which case she is reborn in the real world as a seagull. But that's really not that much better for any relationship.

  23. jack.whittingham Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 11:28

    Professor Layton and Clair. Probably also the saddest ending to game ever. What I would like to see is Captain Olimar fall in love and then that relationship to become doomed. That would top it!

  24. PeterR Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 12:07

    Just in response to the Link/Zelda thing, maybe its a good thing future versions didn't get together. As the next Link and Zelda must be a descendant of the Skyward Sword Link and Zelda, therefore making any attempt at a relationship for future Link and Zelda's slightly illeagal and worthy of a spot on Jeremy Kyle.

    I was under the impression the Zeldas were descended from the original one but the Links were more of a reincarnation type deal rather than genetically related. Still, it would be far too cliche if every Link ans Zelda got together.

    Also, if you didn't shed a tear at the end of the lost future you are a robot.

  25. MartinIsAwesome Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 12:47

    It's all about Link and Marin.

    Link is literally the cause of her ceasing to exist. He murders the girl he falls in love with. Unless you complete the game without dying, in which case she is reborn in the real world as a seagull. But that's really not that much better for any relationship.


    I totally forgot about this one! Such a bitter-sweet story overall, but that little "date" sequence is the icing on the cake.

    I suppose that depending on what you do in the three days in Majora's Mask, the Kafei and Anju romance comes to a crashing end... literally.

    Also, if you didn't shed a tear at the end of the lost future you are a robot.


    *bzzzzt* Does. not. compute. *bzzt*

  26. TheSlenderman Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 12:50

    I myself was about to say Crash Bandicoot and Coco, before realising that they are actually brother and sister!!!!
    Anyhow, what about Bowser and whoever his wife was? Because that was a relationship that defiantly failed.

  27. ThePsychicExtrem Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 16:02

    fawful and peach didn't work out.

  28. abovethewell Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 19:42

    'He was the Justin Bieber of his day, except he made a slightly less annoying sound'. This is why I love ONM.

  29. Waldy565 Thursday 14th Feb 2013 at 23:54

    Made me chuckle after my disastrous Valentine's Day, another girl, another rejection it seems :( Anyway, probably cuz I'm in a bad mood, but I do agree, this: A day manufactured by card companies to make single people feel lonelier and make people in relationships feel they have to prove their love. Bah humbug, and so forth.

  30. lazy_by_choice Friday 15th Feb 2013 at 02:46

    I genuinely enjoyed this article; it made me chuckle a few times, especially at A Boy & His Blob LOOL :D

  31. kirbysonic Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 16:07

    Funny article! I think Xenoblade Chronicles has the best relatonships in gaming, tragic and happy. Melia's jealousy, Sharla and Reyn being so close, and *SPOILERS UP AHEAD* with Gadolt dying, they would make a great couple. Of course, there is Shulk and Fiora, which is hugely romantic, as Shulk started his entire journey based on her. Even Riki has his own family it's a very romantic, touching gem. :cry:

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