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Planet Crashers review

How to grind the fun out of RPGs

Planet Crashers wasted our time, so we're going to waste its time. You see, when you turn on this overpriced heap of a 3DS eShop game, it doesn't bother telling you how to play.

"Fine," you might think, "it's a puzzle to solve, I'm meant to understand what's going on intuitively." So you learn about the sub-Pokémon battle system, find the lazily re-skinned dungeons, finish the miserably similar quests that can only be attempted one at a time and then, after about an hour, you realise that you're having no fun. So you give up and try two player online battles - a lesson in profound tedium.

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This action-RPG is merely grinding for grinding's sake; each weapon upgrade just a means to earning the next weapon upgrade.

It's horrible stuff: a yawning, Nietzschean abyss of a game that makes you believe those people who say that there's no point in video games.

Don't pay the people behind this turd.

Comments

26 comments so far...
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  1. phil2512 Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 16:25

    I like ze Cheeze but not like this game.

  2. chazrinelli Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 16:37

    Well that was very negative! lol

    Yeah not getting this lol

  3. jimmyduckegg Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 17:11

    "Don't pay the developers behind this turd." Instead, pay them by buying their other eShop game, Mutant Mudds.

  4. komicturtle Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 19:07

    I heard about the ending on Nintendo Power. I regret downloading this game... It's terrible... And just because: When you reach 30 and the final "boss", you'll find out there was no "evil" or anything- it was ALL a prank...

  5. Kesskuron Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 20:33

    "Review"

  6. Tailsdreggman Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 20:40

    I heard about the ending on Nintendo Power. I regret downloading this game... It's terrible... And just because: When you reach 30 and the final "boss", you'll find out there was no "evil" or anything- it was ALL a prank...


    Normally people (...possibly me) would kick up about spoilers, but for an ending THAT bad in a game THIS bad, you're more likely to be praised as a hero for further deterrance.
    What a swathe of terrible games this month, eh? This, Ice Age 4... thankfully i've got NSMB2 to ride it out.

  7. Crisps Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 20:49

    "Review"


    Indeed, many of ONM's 'reviews' have become very sub-par recently. You're not really reviewing, just saying it's bad. Any fool could do that.

  8. imbusydoctorwho Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 21:09

    When I first saw it,I thought it looked a pile of crap,seems like my inkling was right.

  9. fisher2007 Thursday 30th Aug 2012 at 21:27

    When I first saw it,I thought it looked a pile of crap,seems like my inkling was right.

    I didn't like it as well when i first saw it and i'm just glad that i didn't waste money on this.

  10. Scirm Friday 31st Aug 2012 at 00:01

    "Don't pay the developers behind this turd." Instead, pay them by buying their other eShop game, Mutant Mudds.

    I hope Planet Crashers is just published by Renegade Kid, not created.

  11. MartinIsAwesome Friday 31st Aug 2012 at 08:49

    After reading this review in the mag and hearing him talk in the podcast, I'm beginning to think that Joe Skrebelnauts is what you'd call a "harsh" reviewer.

  12. Darkblizz Friday 31st Aug 2012 at 11:25

    The price alone was enough to put me off.

  13. SonyX Friday 31st Aug 2012 at 11:49

    that screenshot alone has put me off the game!

  14. camaroni Friday 31st Aug 2012 at 17:19

    "Review"


    Indeed, many of ONM's 'reviews' have become very sub-par recently. You're not really reviewing, just saying it's bad. Any fool could do that.


    Ever read NGamer? They do that quite well.

  15. JoeONM Monday 3rd Sep 2012 at 17:26

    "Review"


    Indeed, many of ONM's 'reviews' have become very sub-par recently. You're not really reviewing, just saying it's bad. Any fool could do that.

    What more did you want? That's not a snarky comment, I'm genuinely interested.

    When a game is this badly made - and I feel like I made the salient points regarding its poor construction in the space I had available for what is a half-page review in the magazine - it seems fairly redundant to waste time pointing out what could be any form of redeeming feature in order to constitute a literal review.

    Then again, we might be at cross purposes here. I've always preferred reviewers (or critics if you don't like the term "review" in this case) who talk about what a game made them feel. Sure, I want statistics, I want facts, but forced into a choice, I'll take informed, entertaining opinion every time, and that's how I like to write. This game made me feel desperately, soul-boilingly angry, so I tried to convey at least something of that.

    But, as I say, let me know what you wanted from me. Constructive criticism is, quite genuinely, massively appreciated.

  16. spacemen13 Tuesday 4th Sep 2012 at 15:12

    Damn it! This game looked awesome and I thought it would be like a sequel to one of my favorite games of all-time 'zubos'. Looks like I am going have to wait for a 'real' sequel.

  17. Shmilly Wednesday 5th Sep 2012 at 15:03

    "Review"
    Indeed, many of ONM's 'reviews' have become very sub-par recently. You're not really reviewing, just saying it's bad. Any fool could do that.

    What more did you want? That's not a snarky comment, I'm genuinely interested.

    When a game is this badly made - and I feel like I made the salient points regarding its poor construction in the space I had available for what is a half-page review in the magazine - it seems fairly redundant to waste time pointing out what could be any form of redeeming feature in order to constitute a literal review.

    Then again, we might be at cross purposes here. I've always preferred reviewers (or critics if you don't like the term "review" in this case) who talk about what a game made them feel. Sure, I want statistics, I want facts, but forced into a choice, I'll take informed, entertaining opinion every time, and that's how I like to write. This game made me feel desperately, soul-boilingly angry, so I tried to convey at least something of that.

    But, as I say, let me know what you wanted from me. Constructive criticism is, quite genuinely, massively appreciated.

    Without being sarcastic, I want to say good on you for making this point. People can complain all they like but ultimately it's you, the ONM staff, who are doing the review, working the deadlines and making it all fit into the magazine. Just because a review is brief that doesn't mean it can't convey all you need to know about the game in question. From the looks of this one, I can see that you've easily given it more words than it deserves, despite how short it looks on a website page rather than one in a magazine.

  18. Pyron12 Saturday 8th Sep 2012 at 08:54

    I looked at other reviews and I found that they were at least 5/10 with one review giving it 7.

  19. andrea987 Wednesday 19th Sep 2012 at 22:00

    Ever read NGamer? They do that quite well.

    Is that why they closed down?

  20. MartinIsAwesome Thursday 20th Sep 2012 at 12:09

    Ever read NGamer? They do that quite well.

    Is that why they closed down?


    Actually it wasn't closed down, they just rebranded changed their name to Nintendo Gamer. And now you know.
    http://i50.tinypic.com/edhg3.png

  21. Kesskuron Thursday 20th Sep 2012 at 15:27


    Indeed, many of ONM's 'reviews' have become very sub-par recently. You're not really reviewing, just saying it's bad. Any fool could do that.

    What more did you want? That's not a snarky comment, I'm genuinely interested.

    When a game is this badly made - and I feel like I made the salient points regarding its poor construction in the space I had available for what is a half-page review in the magazine - it seems fairly redundant to waste time pointing out what could be any form of redeeming feature in order to constitute a literal review.

    Then again, we might be at cross purposes here. I've always preferred reviewers (or critics if you don't like the term "review" in this case) who talk about what a game made them feel. Sure, I want statistics, I want facts, but forced into a choice, I'll take informed, entertaining opinion every time, and that's how I like to write. This game made me feel desperately, soul-boilingly angry, so I tried to convey at least something of that.

    But, as I say, let me know what you wanted from me. Constructive criticism is, quite genuinely, massively appreciated.

    Well if you had a restriction on the word count then that's fair enough, there's not much you can do about that. Surely though for the online review no such word count is in place since you don't have a dedicated amount of space to use? I mean there must have been other things you wanted to say about the game but couldn't fit in the printed article that you might have been able to drop into the online review?

  22. JoeONM Thursday 20th Sep 2012 at 16:18

    Well if you had a restriction on the word count then that's fair enough, there's not much you can do about that. Surely though for the online review no such word count is in place since you don't have a dedicated amount of space to use? I mean there must have been other things you wanted to say about the game but couldn't fit in the printed article that you might have been able to drop into the online review?

    It's a fair point, but not a realistic one, unfortunately. Given the amount of lead time we have on the magazine, I rarely have the time to do much more than what I'm given for print. I'd love to have ranted about Planet Crashers for 2,000 words (no, seriously, I would, you may have noticed that about me) but I've always got something else that needs to be done.

    It's rare that I've got the downtime to write new articles for online publication only, never mind adding to what I've already written. Unfortunately, that means some games (and usually the ones that people aren't hugely interested in hearing too much about) are given shorter shrift than others.

    To finish my point, I'd like to offer a song: http://youtu.be/D1NAGhiVqdg

  23. andrea987 Thursday 20th Sep 2012 at 20:29


    Actually it wasn't closed down, they just rebranded changed their name to Nintendo Gamer. And now you know.
    http://i50.tinypic.com/edhg3.png

    Okay, I'll rephrase: Is that why Nintendo Gamer (formerly known as NGamer) closed down?

  24. MartinIsAwesome Friday 21st Sep 2012 at 12:21

    Oh! Wow, sorry. I had no idea that the magazine had ceased publication. Ah, nevermind then.

  25. SM3DL2 Thursday 8th Nov 2012 at 23:48

    I like their description of Joe Skrebels.

    P.S. What does the red line with the number to the left mean?

  26. MartinIsAwesome Friday 9th Nov 2012 at 08:50

    P.S. What does the red line with the number to the left mean?


    Short answer: Nothing.

    Long answer: It's called a Kudos rating. The number is the Kudos level and the red bar is your current "XP". When the red bar fills up, your level increases and the level goes up by one. You increase you Kudos bar by visiting pages and posting and just generally being active. It basically indicates how active you are on the site and forum. Largely though, it means nothing. You don't get anything, least of all respect. Welcome to the forum.

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