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Family Party Obstacle Arcade: 30 Great Games review

The horror, the horror... Namco Bandai takes Joe into the heart of darkness

I've been on Family Party Island for six days. I've stopped screaming now. I remember when we first heard about "30 great games!" and "five worlds to explore!" All lies.

There was something off from the start. Was it the mute, grinning bear dressed like a Taiwanese rip-off of The Fonz? Or the shrill, disembodied voice that narrated our every step? Or was it the way everything looked like it had been designed by someone with severely burned hands?

I remember when they asked my name. I typed 'Joe'. Then they asked me to choose another name from a list. I didn't understand, but chose Jacques. And that voice, that damn voice, all it did was scream that name. "Jacques, you're a genius!" it screeched as I failed to play Air Hockey because it was impossible to hold the mallet.

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Oh god, those games that they made us play. The obstacle course in which hurdles just appeared two feet ahead of you.

Or the game where we just shot ketchup at hot dogs while a dead-eyed crowd looked on.

Or riding that horse that just wouldn't move to avoid those barrels, no matter what I tried.

Every one was horrible. Every single one. Oh god, I think they've found me. Don't come here. Please stay away. STAY AW- [RECORDING ENDS]


8 comments so far...
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  1. Cidiyance Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 14:20

    If only this was video form with a scifi edge. XD!!!

  2. vtheyoshi Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 17:27

    This review was just plain AWESOME!!!

  3. wolfboy300 Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 18:43

    Joe? Joe!? JJOOOOOOOEEEEE!!!!!

  4. Sex Bob-omb Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 19:14

    Should we be worried Namco Bandai are making smash bros

  5. Mello Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 19:50

    Should we be worried Namco Bandai are making smash bros

    Not really. They have made plenty of classic games and have a good pedigree. No doubt this was produced with a tiny budget and time schedule, and certainly not by any top people.

    Fun review to read. :)

  6. TheSlenderman Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 21:47

    Ironic. 'Family Party Obstacle Arcade 30 Great Games'. The biggest Obstacle is the game itself!!!!! :mrgreen:

  7. lazy_by_choice Saturday 16th Feb 2013 at 22:13

    Funny review Joe!! :D

  8. Pyron12 Sunday 17th Feb 2013 at 09:17

    The best review I have ever read. Full marks.

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