I've been on Family Party Island for six days. I've stopped screaming now. I remember when we first heard about "30 great games!" and "five worlds to explore!" All lies.
There was something off from the start. Was it the mute, grinning bear dressed like a Taiwanese rip-off of The Fonz? Or the shrill, disembodied voice that narrated our every step? Or was it the way everything looked like it had been designed by someone with severely burned hands?
I remember when they asked my name. I typed 'Joe'. Then they asked me to choose another name from a list. I didn't understand, but chose Jacques. And that voice, that damn voice, all it did was scream that name. "Jacques, you're a genius!" it screeched as I failed to play Air Hockey because it was impossible to hold the mallet.
Oh god, those games that they made us play. The obstacle course in which hurdles just appeared two feet ahead of you.
Or the game where we just shot ketchup at hot dogs while a dead-eyed crowd looked on.
Or riding that horse that just wouldn't move to avoid those barrels, no matter what I tried.
Every one was horrible. Every single one. Oh god, I think they've found me. Don't come here. Please stay away. STAY AW- [RECORDING ENDS]